A 90s kid, yes a Kid! It just sounds perfect when Instagram reels use this expression for us, no? A kid who lived with parents for almost 30 years of life. Being born and brought up in a metro city, the chances of moving out were minimal. Seeing friends and colleagues coming from their hometowns, living a carefree life where they are not answerable to anyone, I always craved to experience that life atleast once. The FOMO kept me longing for it.
As I grew older, the hopes died but probably not the manifestations as finally the opportunity came walking and such, that even my parents couldn’t deny. So, at 30, I flew from Delhi to Mumbai, the city that always fascinated me for its ever-lit roads and the peace in chaos.
Two years passed by quickly. The excitement of new city, opportunities at work, heavy travel and many other things kept me engaged. I lived, experienced, learned and grew in so many ways. On any low evening, I used to feed myself with the positivity that this is the result of my manifestations, and I shall embrace this blessing.
Cut to today, everything is not the same. A question that keeps popping in my head these days is if this all is really worth it? As I stand today, is it a choice, a compulsion or just a confusion I am dealing with?
In these 2 years, I saw my parents suddenly ageing, I saw my dad complaining of back pains. Doesn’t sound like a major problem, right? True, many of us get back pains at this age but i had never seen my dad complaining of any pain in my entire life. I had always seen him as an extremely fit rough and tough man. My mom, who is known for her turbulent energy, always on her toes running here and there, doing multiple things at a time, I found her sleeping most of the time. I saw her face getting dull – the most unpleasant sight for a child.
This time, when I visited home, I didn’t really come back completely. My parents were little extra emotional and maybe I was too. My mom said one thing which stuck with me – ‘Ab to hum tujhe kahi aane jaane se nahi rokte, kuch karne se nahi rokte, humare pas hi reh ja’. I smiled in front of her but I cried a lot that day and even today thinking is it really just about this? I know it is not, it was definitely one of the reasons back then and may be a very little part today also, but there are so many other complexities today (not sure if they exist in real or just in my head), that I can’t discuss with them. Not because they won’t understand, just because I want to save them from any additional pain knowing that they have their own set of pains already. Whenever they ask me to come back, I want to cry loud and tell them that I really want to but all I do is smile and say I am doing fine and want to stay there. sSometimes I feel that in hope of saving them from pain, I give them more pain.
I always feel our 90s generation is stuck somewhere in between. While being insanely passionate about making our own identity, we are dramatically emotional and connected to our close ones and when it comes to parents, we are hopeless. We feel so strongly for them, but we express the least. Everyone preaches the idea of expressing love to parents, but how many of us really do? We assume that this is so basic, they would obviously know. Why don’t we assume this in other relationships?
Sitting here 800 miles away from them, all I think of are ways of bringing smile on their faces. I would send them gifts, order desserts, do video calls morning evening, send pictures of what I am eating, plan their trips, talk to dad on random plans, travel, investments and what not, because he loves talking about anything and everything, find good movies for them, urge them to go out, send Instagram reels which that will make them laugh. I just love it when they call to discuss a reel. To be honest, I was doing nothing when I was staying with them. I loved them equally then as I do now but staying away changes your approach (or may be the growing age), you feel and express much more than you ever did. But at the end, you continue to stay away. Still not sure, if it is a choice, a compulsion or just a confusion?